“You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it.”
Doug Stanhope is a contemporary American comedian, known for his abrasive, confrontational style and controversial material. Stanhope, who has been compared to Bill Hicks and Lenny Bruce, combines shock humour with intelligent political satire. He is highly regarded by many, notably receiving praise from his fellow comedians. His past shows include, Sicko (not to be confused with that fat guy’s film about hospitals), Something to Take the Edge Off, Deadbeat Hero and Beer Hall Putsch.
Stanhope is a self-described libertarian and anarchist. He is associated with the Free State Project and has endorsed both Ron Paul and Gary Johnson for US President (and in 2008, he considered running himself).
1) It’s thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I’ve gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us.
2) Does anyone get upset that George Bush keeps quoting the bible in all his fucking speeches? Does that get on anyone’s last nerve? Does it ever occur to him that it’s all those stupid fucking religions that start all this shit in the first place. National day of prayer? Fuck you! You think you’re doing something? You’re not. You can sit at home and cry jinx and keep your fingers crossed too; it does as much good. You wanna pray? Pray all day. Pray on your own time. You wanna help, grab a shovel and start digging there, pinwheel, ’cause it looks like your god takes Tuesdays off.
3) If you’re gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, “clack clack” (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!
4) Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don’t understand. I first read these stories and I think “Don’t you have real crime to fight somewhere?” But then you think about it vice cops don’t fight real crime; that’s not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop’s only job is to fuck up the party.
5) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you’re killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
6) They say if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish…. then he’s gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn’t have any money. So he’s got to get a job and get into the Social Security system and pay taxes, and now you’re gonna audit the poor cocksucker, ’cause he’s not really good with math. So he’ll pull the IRS van up to your house, and he’ll take all your shit. He’ll take your black velvet Elvis and your Batman toothbrush, and your penis pump, and that all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you because you forgot to carry the one, ’cause you were just worried about eating a fucking fish, and you couldn’t even cook the fish ’cause you needed a permit for an open flame. Then the Health Department is going to start asking you a lot of questions about where are you going to dump the scales and the guts. ‘This is not a sanitary environment’, and ladies and gentlemen if you get sick of it all at the end of the day… not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again, John Ashcroft, you weird bible addict, can’t even handle your own drug. You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it. The only true freedom you find, is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked, and then you are free to float around the system.
7) The Free State Project stands out as one of few ideas that could produce tangible change in our lifetime. The vision of Christian gun enthusiasts buying hand-painted targets from pot-smoking artists, laughing together while they give the tax man the finger, is beautiful enough to make the move.
8) If marriage didn’t exist, would you invent it? Would you go “Baby, this shit we got together, it’s so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can’t just share this commitment ‘tweenst us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It’s hot!”
9) If you’re offended by any word, in any language, it’s probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.
10) Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people that you never met. And all of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever, and you brag about- and the Americans’ll go “Fuck the French! Fuck the French, if we hadn’t had saved their ass in two World Wars, they’d be speakin’ German right now!” And you go, “Oh, was that us?” Was that me and you…I checked my pants, there’s no mud stains on the knees from where we were garroting Krauts in the trenches at Verdun. I think “we” didn’t do anything but watch sports bloopers while we got hammered. I think “we” should shut the fuck up!